our journey of hope and healing through autism

The Wonder is Not Lost on Me

Recently, I accompanied Hannah’s grade 1 class on a field trip to the Science Center.  Other than skipping the walk from the school to the science center, and back again afterward (Hannah still doesn’t have the stamina for that and a day wandering around the science center), Hannah kept up with her friends in every way.

One of the exhibits was all about energy, with lots of different activities that showed how that when we move, we can generate energy-even charging a cell phone by peddling a recumbent bike!  At one point, the kids from my group piled onto a dance mat to see how much energy they could generate.  Taylor Swift’s Shake It Off began to play, and my heart soared as I watched her dancing- free and happy, surrounded by friends.

During a prayer on dinner, Hannah thanked Heavenly Father for help in researching her report about penguins.

The wonder hits me at times you’d expect, and at times you wouldn’t expect.  Watching Hannah spontaneously & confidently greet a cousin we don’t see very often-something that parents of typically developing children can take for granted, and my heart soars.Hannah collage

“Does my hair look like an archeologist?” she asks, and I wonder what if I’m teaching her enough that she can become any thing she sets her mind to.  Has the fight to get where we are dulled my fire to dreams big dreams for the future?  A few days later, she says, “I do declare- my brain is the best part of me!”  “Yeah! Tell me about that!” I said.  Without missing a beat, she added: “Without it, I could think any thing at all!”  Yes, love, I think your brain is magnificent, and I’m so, so glad you think so too.

Hannah has overcome so much.  Mostly, I bask in the joy that brings, as she dances, and sings, and plays with friends, and is so, so happy.  My girl, who at 3 would bang her head on cement floors, and watched peers out the window as she sucked on Polly Pockets like a lollipop.  It hurts to remember those times.  The dark fear of what the future holds.  Mostly, the fear sleeps, but every once in awhile, it rises and yawns.  While wandering through a store a few days ago, Hannah asked

“Do all teenage girls go to high school?”

“Yes, love.”  I answered

“What if the kids are mean to me when I’m a teenager?”

“Hmmm- well, maybe if the kids are mean to you, you won’t let it bother you, or you’ll decide to be homeschooled”

“I think I’ll be homeschooled when I’m a teenager”

“Are the kids mean to you now?”


“Good.  I hope they’ll be nice to you when you’re older too”

But I know that the world is a big mix- of dazzling kindness and heart wrenching cruelty.   Hannah seems to know it too.   So we’ll continue on, with one small part of me holding it’s breath, wondering what’s to come.



4 comments on “The Wonder is Not Lost on Me

  1. Jenny
    March 11, 2015

    So beautifully expressed!!! Love you.

  2. Dawn
    March 11, 2015

    Oh how I love this post. The miracle of it all!

    You can let Hannah know that if anyone is mean to her her Auntie Dawn, who is really a farm girl at heart, will pound them like a post if they are mean to her!

    • holdingtomorrow
      March 13, 2015

      🙂 Ah, Dawn, how I love you! We won’t forget your offer. 😉

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This entry was posted on March 11, 2015 by in autism, biomedical, feelings, things to celebrate, What's Up Lately.
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