our journey of hope and healing through autism

I am still here

Recently, my sweet friend (who is also named Becky) and I were out together, taking pictures of another friend of ours. While our friend did an outfit swap, Becky took a few pictures of me.
When I saw this one, I cried.

BA by Becky Noblet

Because I am still here.

I still matter.

Hannah’s challenges have pushed, shaped, utterly broken and re-formed me.
I have bigger hopes, and what might seem to others- smaller dreams. Not smaller, but different.

Yet, I as I’m finding a moment for myself here and there, I remember that I am still that girl who:
-delights in taking a sad old peice of furniture, and making it beautiful again
-who marvels at the many subtle hues in autumn leaves
-whose heart bleeds a little when she can’t please everyone.
-who in the small, quaking, clamoring places inside feels like the chubby elementary school girl who didn’t quite fit in;
-and who keeps most people at arms length, because deep down she doesn’t feel like she’s real friend material.

As I’m emerging from the grief over Hannah’s diagnosis, I’m so glad to re-member some of those pieces of self, and eager to let go of others- the few brown, crackled leaves of self- doubt that managed to cling to me, despite the winds that have buffeted me.


12 comments on “I am still here

  1. P.Toor
    September 28, 2013

    Becky, everything about you is utterly beautiful. I have never met someone who mothers her children with such grace. It’s really nice to see you re-member pieces of yourself. I hope this journey of re-owning parts of you is empowering, enlightening and eyeopening. -You are the ideal friend material. I think it’s easy for people to see this in you, I hope that you see the treasures in you too and believe in them like we all do. 🙂

    • holdingtomorrow
      September 29, 2013

      Thank you, Puneet. You have seen us so often in our most real, authentic, and imperfect state. Your words mean the world to me!

  2. randyortiz2
    September 28, 2013

    Be kind to yourself and your loved ones who love your child. Grieving is a process is healthy and done differently by everyone. The process itself is our natural way of figuring out what life changing events mean to our lives and and future. Autism is very difficult because there is a ton of information, but no answers.

    Acceptance is not resigning or giving up. It is simply having a better understanding of reality so that you can have a better vision and clearer direction. Be comforted by the fact that you will never, ever give up on your child and never give up hope.

    Just be conscious of it with yourself and the others in your life so you can understand and be understood. It changes people…in some ways temporarily, some ways permanently. Not understanding the change can cause friction in relationships. You need your self and your team. Grieve in unity.

    Here’s to clearer vision and clearer skys. B-)

    I will be following your blog and hope you will follow mine.

    Much love, sister.

    • holdingtomorrow
      September 29, 2013

      Thank you- that was beautifully said. I paid a quick visit to your blog and will be following! I agree 100% with the Mother Teresa quote about kindness you have on your home page. We can all use more kindness!

  3. Jenny
    September 28, 2013

    P. Toor said what I wanted to say, but probably more eloquently than I would. You are beautiful…and more importantly, you are good, kind, and striving to be your best. I love you!

  4. Mike
    September 28, 2013

    I have the privilege of being your “dad person”. We have had the opportunity of choosing to love each other. I loved your mom first, but then came each of you sisters. I consider myself the luckiest and most blessed man on earth. I hope that every dad, everywhere can have a daughter like you. You are unique and special in so many ways. Wow what a picture. but I know that you are even more beautiful on the inside. I don’t believe your husband chose you because you were 2nd rate. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, those who see you and interact with you, just might be seeing a reflection of our saviors love.

    • holdingtomorrow
      September 29, 2013

      Thank you, Mike. So, so much. I’m so glad you’re my “dad-person”. 🙂

  5. Donna J. Dingwall
    September 28, 2013

    Becky my friend. You are beautiful in every sense of the word. I love how REAL you are. So sweet, honest, loving, caring, a ‘top notch’ mother, wife and friend. I LOVE YOU.

    • holdingtomorrow
      September 29, 2013

      Thank you, Donna. It means a lot to know that you are always in my corner!

  6. Jenny (Wempen) Erickson
    October 28, 2013

    Becky, I was jealous of you in high school. You are beautiful, thoughtful, intelligent, and funny times ten. And now I know some of your other masterful qualities like eloquence, immense patience and tenacity. While I am striving to continue my path of making my best self, I can hold you up as an example.

    • holdingtomorrow
      October 28, 2013

      Thank you so much for what you’ve shared, Jenny. I always admired your kindness, and your sense of delight in life. This evening has been a really discouraging one with one of my kiddos-discouraged in their choices, and discouraged in how I reacted inside and outside my head. You’ve brought me back to remembering that it’s the overall trajectory that counts the most. Thank you for making my day!

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This entry was posted on September 28, 2013 by in autism, feelings, grieving, things to celebrate and tagged , .
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