holdingtomorrow

our journey of hope and healing through autism

Isn’t it exciting?

Isn’t is exciting? 2013-7-13

 

Things have been harder for me emotionally lately.  I think it’s a combination of things.   Reviewing the year end reports that show that Hannah’s deficits are still severe, even with all the therapy at school and at home, feels a little like climbing Mt Everest but knowing that you have to get to the moon. Also, after 10 months on the waiting list, Hannah was assessed by the Early Childhood Development team over the past month. (The ECDT is a multi disciplinary team in Alberta that assess children for autism and a few other developmental problems).

 

When a friend learned that the ECDT team had come for Hannah’s home assessment, she said, “Isn’t that exciting?” I can’t remember quite what I said, but her words have rung in my ears.  To me, exciting is a trip to Disneyland, or a great find at a garage sale.  This has been more akin to the relief of getting a root canal performed.  It’s hard and hurts while you wait, not really knowing what the outcome will be. Nothing about the process is fun- answering buckets of questions about your child’s skills and challenges and having to answer in the negative, and reviewing the facts that sum up that your child is doing okay at home, but has severe challenges operating in the outside world.

 

So, night before last, I reached the emotional breaking point.  Nathan listened and listened as I cried and shared all the little and big things that have been rattling around my brain.  That I so often feel alone in this journey, and feel like I have had to figure everything out myself with assessments, and funding, and so on.  That I’m tired of taking a deep breath and steeling myself through yet another tantrum, or giving myself another pep talk to try to be grateful, or calm, or at least keep my head up.  How hard it is that events that neurotypical children get excited about cause Hannah profound anxiety and distress.  The hours it takes finding good books to teach me techniques to help me with my kids specific struggles.  That I know there will be blessings that will come from it, but I’m not sure how I’ll manage through church when Nathan is off fulfilling his new responsibilities as a high councilman in a ward almost 2 hours away.  (Church is stressful for Hannah, and she often falls apart if the routine is changed).

 

Nathan listened and listened and listened.  I’m so grateful he is such a good listener- it’s one of the things that led to me to fall in love with him in the beginning.  I woke up yesterday with feelings that were tender, but manageable.  I couldn’t have picked a better person to go on this journey with me.

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3 comments on “Isn’t it exciting?

  1. Karin
    July 15, 2012

    Hooray for Nathan, and hooray for you – two very strong and wonderful people. Sending love and support from afar!

  2. Jenny
    July 17, 2012

    I love you! You are so strong! I’m glad that Nathan is such a good listener and such a good husband and father. And you are an amazing mother. I wish I could make things easier for you somehow. Love ya! Can’t wait to see you next week!

  3. suzyqbills
    September 10, 2012

    Thanks for sharing. I love your family and think you’re amazing.

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This entry was posted on July 15, 2012 by in feelings, hard things, What's Up Lately.
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